I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
