Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
