My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize