I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
