Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
