My nipple is on Facebook.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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