i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
