I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
