I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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