dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
party gras won. party gras always wins.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
