Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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