Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
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