i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
