what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
