It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
