Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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