i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
why is half of my head shaved?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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