I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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