you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
