I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
We need to get me chipped asap
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
