Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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