We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
