Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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