the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize