yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
