Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize