That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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