Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
