Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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