This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize