Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
