Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
