I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
