i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
