therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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