haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
