and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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