Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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