if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
