Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
