Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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