god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
