Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
