I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
All I want is dick and wine.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
