hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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