i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
