Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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