the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Randomize
