My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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