I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
