I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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