When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
