My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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