Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize