I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
