Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
