I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
