I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
