Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
