i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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