I'm sorry my penis didn't work
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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