I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
