i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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