I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize